


Please Give Me Something (To Believe In)

by TheSpideyRanger



Series: Don't Leave (Me) [2]
Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: But I swear it gets better, F/F, pleae read the first part to make some sense of this mess, the angst train continues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 21:07:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17332376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSpideyRanger/pseuds/TheSpideyRanger
Summary: She doesn’t think she’ll get used to the emptiness in her pocket, the power coin having been a steady and reassuring weight; letting her know she had a purpose, a reason for being. She doubts she’ll get used to the emptiness in her chest, either, from leaving the team, her family.From leaving Trini.No, Kim knows she won’t ever get used to that emptiness.





	Please Give Me Something (To Believe In)

Kim hadn’t gone far. 

 

Not yet. 

 

She sat hidden in the small forest that surrounded the edge of the quarry, her eyes focused on the small canyon she saw Trini jump down just moments earlier. The same canyon she herself had vacated not ten minutes before. Powerless. 

 

She doesn’t think she’ll get used to the emptiness in her pocket, the power coin having been a steady and reassuring weight; letting her know she had a purpose, a reason for being. She doubts she’ll get used to the emptiness in her chest, either, from leaving the team, her  _ family _ . 

 

From leaving Trini.

 

No, Kim knows she won’t ever get used to that emptiness.

 

She sits until the sun sets beyond the mountains, a swirl of warm yellow and calm pink, it’s so  _ peaceful _ , and Kim would laugh at the irony if she weren’t already crying. It seems like the universe has a funny sense of humour and she’s the butt of its joke.

 

She sits until she’s certain that no one will be leaving the underground ship, that no one is going to come after her and try to change her mind. Kim doubts they’d even care to, seeing as she’s basically abandoning them. She doesn’t blame them. She could never blame them for hating her.

 

She hates herself, too.

 

With one last glance towards the canyon, to make sure no one had snuck out during her moment of wallowing, she retreats into the woods. Her movements are still stiff from the attack, her muscles and bones ache with protest with every movement, but she welcomes the pain. She deserves it. 

 

She takes the long way back to her house, whether to put herself through more pain or to delay returning to an empty house (an emptiness she has long since gotten used to), Kim doesn’t know. Though, there aren’t many things Kim  _ does  _ know anymore.

 

It takes Kim an hour to get home, a trip that used to take her less than ten minutes when she could just carelessly run through the woods, her power coin charging her and keeping her safe. She walks through the front door, not bothering to take her shoes off (nobody’s there to tell her off for it, anyway), and makes a beeline for the kitchen to pour herself a glass of water to take with her pain medication. She foregoes food, her appetite is basically non-existent nowadays, and slowly heads to her bedroom. Her feet drag as she walks up the stairs, her body tired from all the exertion. 

 

Everything hurts.

 

Kim doesn’t bother to turn the light on when she gets to her room, instead she slams her door and slumps against it, sliding towards the ground.

 

“We were supposed to talk.”

 

Kim’s head shoots up at the voice, the back of it smacking into her door. She winces at the pain and blinks away the sudden dizziness it caused. She can just add this injury to her already seemingly never ending list.

 

“How did you get in?” She doesn’t need to ask who it is. Kim knew she’d be here sooner or later, although, admittedly, she was hoping for later. She’s not ready to deal with or talk about this right now. She wasn’t ready yesterday and knew she wouldn’t be ready today. She didn’t want to give her the hope that she could talk Kim out of what she was going to do. The hope that Kim’s mind could be changed in any way.

 

The hope that there was a chance.

 

There wasn’t. 

 

“Your window was open.” The voice was tired and gravelly, and Kim knew from experience that that was Trini’s  _ ‘I’ve been crying and I’m trying to stop’ _ voice. Anticipating it and hearing it are two very different things and Kim wishes the ache in her chest would just go away.

 

Kim nods in response even though Trini can’t see her through the darkness. She doesn’t move from her position on the floor, she doesn’t have the energy nor the will to move and she feels as though it’s fitting. 

 

The silence between them is deafening and it’s probably the first uncomfortable silence they’ve had between each other since they met. There were awkward silences, comfortable silences, but Kim has never felt uncomfortable in Trini’s presence. It’s not Trini’s fault, she knows that, it’s her own. Kim knows she’s to blame and that it’s her own faults at the crux of this, but she can’t bring herself to say anything. 

 

Trini doesn’t seem to have the same problem.

 

“We were supposed to talk.” Her voice is stronger than before, more intent, but it’s still scratchy and Kim sighs, she knows where this is going to go: nowhere.

 

“I didn’t agree to that.” Kim whispers, she’s toeing a fine line and she knows it.

 

“Excuse me?” Trini snaps and if Kim weren’t so exhausted, both physically and mentally, she would have picked up on the accusatory tone. But she was, and she didn’t.

 

“I said, I didn’t agree to that.” She repeats and it’s like a switch is flipped as Trini turns on Kim’s desk lamp and jumps from the chair she was sitting on, knocking it to the ground. 

 

Now that the room is illuminated Kim can see exactly how livid Trini is, can see the dried tear tracks on her cheeks, can just about make out the redness in her eyes. But one thing she can see clear as day is the utter heartbreak on Trini’s face.

 

“I didn’t realise wanting to talk about you leaving the team and us breaking up was up for ‘agreement.’” Trini scoffs, her hands coming up to put air quotations around the last word, and Kim wants to tear out her own eyes. It’d be less painful than having to witness the look Trini is giving her right now: a mix of disbelief, heartbreak, and Kim’s favourite,  _ disappointment.  _

 

“What did you think was going to happen, Kim?” Trini questions, taking a step closer and Kim remains silent, wishing she could mould herself into the surface behind her and disappear. “Did you think we’d just stop caring the minute you handed over you power coin?” Kim shrugs and angles her head down, she doesn’t think she can handle Trini’s stare anymore. 

 

Trini’s closer, now, Kim can just about make out her worn yellow converse in her periphery coming to a stop a few feet away. Good. She needs the distance to be kept between them.

 

“Did you think we’d stop loving you?” Trini’s voice is quieter now and Kim freezes. “Just like that?” Kim doesn’t answer, she doesn’t know how, she’s frozen. “Did you…” Trini’s voice cracks and Kim’s vision has already begun to blur by the time the next question leaves the other girl’s lips.

 

“Did you think  _ I’d _ stop loving you?” Trini’s voice is heavy, as if the words were too weighted to leave her lips. And they were. Kim doesn’t answer, not right away, she doesn’t know if she’d be able to. 

 

Trini stays rooted to her spot, just watching as Kim slowly curls further into herself. She’s never looked so small. Not since Trini has known her, not even when she caught her yesterday, or even when she sobbed in her arms.

 

“I wish you would.” Kim whispers and if Trini hadn’t been watching her so intently, waiting for a response, she would have missed it.

 

If Trini thought her heart broke when she saw Billy grasping Kim’s power coin, then hearing Kim  _ wish  _ for everyone, for  _ her _ , to stop loving her caused it to shatter.

 

“That’s not…” Trini trails off as her eyes begin to well with tears. “That’s not how this thing goes, Kim.” Trini takes another step forward and kneels in front of her girlfriend. She doesn’t reach for her hand, doesn’t try to make eye contact, doesn’t try anything. She just waits.

 

And waits… and waits for Kim to say something,  _ anything _ , but she stays silent, her body curled into itself so tightly, Trini doesn’t think she’s ever seen her so tense. It makes Trini restless; it’s unnerving to see Kim so motionless, so still, so silent.

 

They sit in silence for feels like hours before Trini makes a move by slowly reaching her hand towards Kim, who makes no movement to back away from the gesture, or even gives any indication that it’s unwanted, but flinches nonetheless when her hand comes into contact with her knee. Trini masks the hurt and anguish the flinch caused, not that Kim would have seen it, anyway. 

 

She hasn’t looked her in the eyes since she first got here.

 

“Did you really think it would be that easy to let you go?” Trini asks, though she doesn’t expect an answer. Besides, she already knows what Kim’s answer would be:  _ yes _ . Trini’s not sure if Kim has -  _ will _ \- ever know her own worth, how valuable she is to those around her, how absolutely, unrelentingly, and deeply  _ loved  _ she is.

 

“Kim,” she sighs “will you look at me, please?” Trini implores, her hand moving from its position on Kim’s knee to rest gently on her cheek. She swipes away the tears she finds there with her thumb, but Kim still looks anywhere but at her, now actively trying to move away from Trini’s touch.

 

Kim can’t take the softness of it all.

 

Not now.

 

Not when she’s done nothing to deserve it.

 

“Why can’t you just leave me alone.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, there’s hardly any force behind her words. Trini opens her mouth, the retort ready and hot on her tongue, but Kim holds up a hand, knowingly. 

 

She’s not done.

 

“Why can’t you let me just do  _ one  _ thing right for once?” Kim closes her eyes and bangs her head back against the door with a loud thud, startling Trini with the sheer amount of force. “I just had to do this  _ one  _ thing. All I had to do was leave and I couldn’t even do that right.” The laugh that leaves her lips is humourless, more bitter than the coffee Trini drinks in the morning. 

 

It’s the first thing Trini has ever found ugly about her.

 

“God, I’m so pathetic.” She mutters, more to herself, but Trini hears her nonetheless and her chest aches at the sincerity of the statement.

 

“You know that’s not-” She starts, but the look Kim  _ finally _ shoots her is chilling and Trini’s words die in her mouth. There’s absolutely no emotion behind those usually warm and vibrant eyes. She can’t even detect a hint of the underlying sadness that’s always lingering in them.

 

They’re completely void and now it’s Trini’s turn to be the one finding it difficult to make eye contact.

 

She doesn’t flinch when Kim begins to lift herself away from the floor, only shooting a furtive glance in her direction. The latter’s movements are stilted and the unmistakable look of sheer pain on Kim’s face is even painful for Trini to witness. She goes to help, but the glower sent in her direction is enough to keep her rooted to her spot.

 

Kim has never felt so worthless.

 

So  _ useless. _

 

She slowly manoeuvres herself around the mess of her room towards the window, but she doesn’t sit, just stares into the night. 

 

Trini’s eyes stay glues to her girlfriend, waiting… waiting… until she finally sees it.

 

Kim’s shoulders droop so violently it’s sure to have hurt; she barely has a chance to let out the first, shuddering sob before she’s enveloped in a warm embrace. 

 

A sense of d éjà vu washes over Kim as Trini holds her close, running a hand through her hair, the other running random patterns along her spine. The overwhelming sense of comfort and security makes her cry harder, especially when all Trini does in response is tighten her grip and sit them down on the window seat so Kim could curl herself into her.

 

She doesn’t deserve this.

 

_ She doesn’t deserve Trini. _

 

“I can’t-” She hiccups, “I can’t do it anymore, Trini.” She manages to say between sobs. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t…” She says it like a mantra, only hindered by interrupting whimpers and hiccups, but Trini understands her clear as day.

 

“I’m not cut out for this.” She continues when the sobs have lessened and she can finally string a full sentence together. “I’m not good enough. I’ve never been good enough. Not for this town, not for the guys…” She trails off, her breathe hitching as the  _ ‘Not for you’ _ goes unsaid between them.

 

“I can’t do  _ any  _ of this anymore.” Kim finished before dissolving into sobs again.

 

The way it’s worded scares Trini.

 

No, it absolutely  _ terrifies _ her.

 

Trini can’t help the niggling guilt that has wormed its way into the corner of her mind. Guilt over not noticing the depth of Kim’s downfall sooner. Guilt over not being there right after it happened. Guilt over not being fast enough…

 

Guilt over it not being  _ her _ .

 

Trini understands it’s a warped sense of survivors guilt and wanting to do anything to be the one to experience this pain instead of Kim.

 

Kim, who already didn’t feel worthy enough of being a Ranger even before this happened. Kim, who wouldn’t recognise the  _ good _ she did before it all went to Hell. Kim, who was just  _ too good _ and already  _ too sad  _ for this to have happened to her. Kim… the girl she  _ loved  _ and would do  _ anything  _ for...

 

Trini wishes it was her.

 

But, if she was wishing for anything, it would be for none of this to have happened.

 

It takes longer than the night before for Kim to settle in Trini’s arms, her breathing still coming in stutters and heavy, but at least the tears have subsided for now. It’s at this point that Trini feels Kim’s arms worm their way around her waist instead of clinging to the front of her shirt like she had been. She’s sure the shirt is stretched out and soaked through by now.

 

Trini can’t bring herself to care. She can replace a shirt, she could  _ never _ replace Kim.

 

Kim nuzzles into her neck, sniffling lightly, and Trini feels the ghost of a small cross her mouth. Kim let her in. Kim hasn’t left.

 

She ignores the  _ ‘yet’  _ that goes unsaid in her mind.

 

They stay like that, for a little while longer, just holding each other, basking in the warmth and comfort provided. The silence no longer uncomfortable, but the tension still thick.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kim murmurs, her voice slightly muffled by Trini’s shoulder. Kim feels like the apology is as effective as putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. She doesn’t even know what she’s apologising for. 

 

For what she’s but Trini and the boys through in the last week, hell, even the last 24 hours. For wanting to leave, still. For not having been good enough in the start…

 

Kim doesn’t know what she’s apologising for, not yet, but Trini accepts it anyway with a gentle kiss to her forehead and the tightening of her arms, accompanied by a softly spoken  _ ‘I know’ _ .

 

Trini doesn’t say anything further, she pushed slightly on Kim’s shoulder, who pulls away from the embrace with a frown, though the fear shining in her eyes was unmistakable. The latter watches intently as Trini reaches into her jacket pocket and pulls out a familiar pink coin, though it looked much duller than Kim remembered. Trini held it in her open palm, offering it up to her girlfriend who now looked bewildered.

 

Kim, reluctantly, takes it from Trini and the coin begins to glow a brilliant pink, as if Kim’s touch had brought it back to life. Kim looks up in utter shock, but when she meets Trini’s gaze, the latter is just smiling softly with a knowing look in her eyes.

 

“I know a lot of people, including yourself, have lied to you in your life, but do you really think some weird coin from outer space that gives you superhuman abilities would lie?” Trini waits for a response, pondering how to proceed, continuing when Kim remains silent, not having an  answer.

 

“You mean the world to me, Kim. You’re more than good enough to be a Ranger, you’re more than good enough to be a part of the team, and you’re perfect for me. If anything, you’re too good for me.” Trini finishes, laughing airily to try and ease the tension. Kim offers a weak smile, not quite believing the words but appreciating the sentiment behind them.

 

“I know you don’t quite believe me and that’s fine, but you should believe in the coin. It  _ chose  _ you Kim. It chose you for a reason. Because you’re strong, resilient, smart, and so,  _ so _ , worthy of being a Power Ranger.” Trini insisted, taking Kim’s hand that held the power coin and wrapping her fingers around it, holding it there.

 

They both watched as the glow from the coin flowed through Kim, the wounds and bruises covering her body slowly fading, not completely, but considerably so. They watched as Kim’s forearm morphed slightly, along with Trini’s, before the light faded into a warm glow, the coin pulsing in Kim’s hand.

 

“See?” Trini implored, smiling as she watched the darkness fade from Kim’s eyes, the vibrancy she was so used to beginning to seep back in. “You’re more than worthy. It chose you for a reason. These things don’t make mistakes.”

 

Kim, overcome with emotion, lunged forward into Trini’s arms, kissing her for all she was worth, even if she didn’t feel worth all that much at the minute. Trini holds her face in her hands, wiping away the fresh tears that had begun to fall, and kissing back just as fiercely. Only pulling away to get just one last thing in.

 

“The coin believes in you, Kim. Jason, Billy, and Zack all believe in you.  _ I  _ believe in you. All that’s left is for you to believe in yourself.”


End file.
